The Prison Convoy, or Why Iris Hates Dogs Now
by Gallifrey Immigrant
Summary: Iris Wildthyme ends up on a prison convoy, and faces off an evil canine mastermind.


There was once a time traveler who traveled across time and space. She was awesome.

No, that was not a typo. (And this isn't about FemDoc, either.)

This is not the story about the lovable, adorable, alien known as the Doctor. This is about someone much better. In fact,she's the one whom a lot of stories about the Doctor is based on.

What do you mean this sounds like bad fanfiction? My—I mean her life story is not bad fan fiction. Damnit, now I need another drink to recover from that insult to my pride. Anyway, her name is...

Stop texting on your phone! I'm trying to do a dramatic pause! Oh, whatever. Her name is Iris Wildthyme.

What do you mean you never heard of her?

Anyway, Iris landed on a trading market on the planet Pleese-Leeve. As you probably don't know, the inhabitants hate visitors. Iris didn't know that (but it wasn't her fault—no one told her). So she got off her double-decker bus that doubled as a time machine, and ended up in cuffs by the end of the afternoon. She was arrested for an absolutely irrational crime of trespassing, despite several clear warning to leave. How was she supposed to know that throwing water in someone's face was the cultural sign to get out? Which reminds me, I have to get my clothes out the dryer.

So, she ended up in a Greyhound bus—it's a space bus that's shaped like a dog—and being driven to a prison. Her only company was other criminals. Now, these were some ruffians, let me tell you. From litterers, to thieves, to telemarketers. But the worst criminal of the lot wasn't even in cuffs. No, he was too smart to be tricked into cuffs. His name was...

Don't you dare look at your phone.

...Blue.

Blue was a caninoid being—a dog—whose fur's color was, well, take a guess. He was the most cunning creature I had ever seen. He said he once defeated even the Seventh Doctor at chess. Maybe, but he also said he defeated the Fifth Doctor at cricket, which lets me know he's lying.

He lies a lot.

Well, of course I'm doing a lot of big paragraph breaks! Makes the story look bigger than actually is.

Where was I? Oh yeah, the mastermind dog. Blue walked around the bus looking at all of us with his big blue eyes. He randomly observed each of us, until he whispered into the ear of a Silurian named Ripdeath Ripdeath had been picked up in 1996 by a time storm, and deposited on another planet called Arboreen. Arboreen was full of sentient plant life, and had never seen an alien bipedal lizard before. The Silurian saw a chance to build a new life, and immediately climbed up the branches of Arboreen society. Picking a name from one of his favorite 90s comics, he became the scourge of the planet. Basically, he was a bad person to cross. Had we known anything about Blue back then, we would have been very alarmed about him speaking to Ripdeath.

Ripdeath listened to Blue's soft voice. Then he slowly got up, and walked over to another prisoner.

"What are you in for?" the Silurian bellowed.

The prisoner, an old humanoid woman, meekly looked up at the gangster. "I invited my grandson to visit. That's against the rules, so I've been arrested. My name is Amica. What's yours, son?"

"I, RIPDEATH, AM NO SON OF YOURS!" said Ripdeath. The spikes on his red armor seemed to gleam brighter.

"All I want to know is why you called me a small useless cold one a few minutes ago," he said.

"Who told you I said that?" Amica said, clearly confused.

Ripdeath's eyes darted to the dog for a second, but he looked back at Amica and said, "There's nob need to reveal my sources. Why are you so nervous? If you have nothing to hide, you have nothing to fear."

Amica was quiet for a second. Then she took off her glasses and said "I have no idea what you're talking about. But, you have disrespected me, so now we must battle."

Ripdeath laughed.

The old lady's body then changed. Her skin became purple and leathery. Her hands grew longer, blacker fingernails that were almost as long as the hand itself. Her teeth stayed the same sixe, but her saliva increased, and from the fizzling from her mouth, acidic. And she grew taller until her head was reaching the bus. Oh, and her cuffs had broken.

Ripdeath was no longer laughing.

Amica lunged at Ripdeath. He blocked the attacks to his face with his armored wrist. His hands were still cuffed, so he tried to kick her sternum with his unobstructed right foot. Apparently, her skin was now more durable, so he only ended up hurting himself. She then threw him into the side of the bus (earning a growl from the engine). He was crumpled on the ground.

"Get up. I did not start this, but I will end it. Painfully," said Amica, clacking her nails together. Strangely, her vocal cords seemed unaffected by the change, so she still sounded like a meek grandmother.

As Riptide slowly got up, risI noticed that Blue had been silent this whole time, wagging his tail. That seemed suspicious to her—the dog wasn't even a little frightened?

"Now, wait a minute," Iris said to the killer grandma and the cold-blooded gangster. "Surely, there's only been a misunderstanding."

"I do not care," said Ripdeath. "I shall beat her to death, and use her body as a deterrent to all future rivals!"

"Silence, young one, or I will eviscreate you," said Amica. "What misunderstanding?"

"Isn't it obvious? Someone framed Amica here to start a fight," Iris said.

"Who?" said Amica.

"Well, who was your source, Ripdeath?" Iris said.

Ripdeath hesitated. "I do not reveal my sourses until I choose-"

"Oh, stuff it. It's clear you're just doing bravado. You've probably never hurt a person in your life. Who's your source, froggy?" Iris asked.

Riptide glared at me and said "I...suppose I can give up that info. It was the Blue dog."

Iris turned around, and Blue was staring straight dead at her. "I didn't mean for this to happen...The police forced me to do this...I'm so sorry!," said Blue sadly.

"Aww," said Amica. Even Riptide looked sympathetic

Iris was less convinced. "The police? Why?" she asked.

Blue started to grin maliciously. It was the first explicit sign of the intelligence within. "But don't you know? After all, you're one of the police too, right?" he said, still grinning.

By the time the implications hit Iris, the damage had been done.

"You're a cop?" snarled Riptide. Everyone suddenly looked at her.

"What?" said Iris, looking at Blue. He had returned his face to a sad expression.

"Please don't hurt me again! I did what you wanted!" said Blue, looking like he was at the verge of tears. Whatever Blue's sins, he was a master actor.

"You cops hurt that cute dog!" said Amica, her claws reaching for my face.

Realizing that everything was going belly-up, Iris decided to run. She turned around and kicked at the Greyhound's back door until it opened up with a loud rush of air. Surprising everyone, Iris grabbed Blue, who was rather light, and climbed up the roof. Iris only had a few minutes before the others opened the backdoor themselves.

"Why are you turning them against me?" Iris asked the dog.

At first, Blue kept silent. Then he shrugged his shoulders, and said "Because you got in my way. And because it was fun." His formerly soft voice was replaced with, of all things, a Scottish accent.

"That's all?" said Iris, somewhat offended.

"I need the Silurian idiot to kill the grandmother, who's royalty on her planet," he said, rolling his r's here and there. "That will start an intergalactic war that will provide a good diversion, and allow me to do my own private activities, without meddling from people like, say, the Doctor."

"You're manipulating people to kill each other just because you want some privacy?" Iris asked.

"And because it's good mental exercise," he said.

"Why not just do crossword puzzles?" Iris asked.

"Anyway, by my calculations, the idiot should have killed her by now. Actually, he's so weak she'll probably kill him, but I can make that work too," he said.

"WHAT DID HE SAY ABOUT ME!" Ripdeath said.

Blue looked confused.

Iris took out a 2-way walkie-talkie,.

"Whoops. For you," she said, the echo of her voice coming from the walkie-talkie left on the Greyhound.

Blue replied-

Wait, what do you mean I pulled that resolution out of my behind? I'm tellin' a true story, so it ain't gonna follow "Save The Cat"!

Back to the story:

"I see that I'm on the spot," Blue said. "Well, here's an interesting piece of trivia for our audience. The Greyhound buses were outfitted not just physically as dogs, but their very automated software is based on dog psychology. Meaning that, as a caninoid, I can do this." Then he barked loudly.

And then the bus, which had been moving smoothly, began to change direction. It began to rush quickly in the direction of the ground.

"He's controlling the bus!" Iris heard Amica say. Iris, for her part, was holding on for dear life.

"Hmm. Well, I suppose I'll have to start a different intergalactic feud," Blue pondered as the bus shuttled toward a grimy end. "It took so long to set up this one."

Iris had no idea how to get out of this. She wracked her brain for some solution, but you have to admit that this was a high-stress environment. Eventually, she decided to do the only thing she could think of.

She took out a bottle of booze from her coat, and began to laugh. She giggled at Blue, laughed at the clouds, and sprawled on the roof of the falling bus.

At first, Blue tried to ignore her. But eventually her drunken laughter began to annoy him too much.

"What are you planning?" he demanded.

She kept on giggling. "Nothing!" she said.

"You're lying!" he said. "What's your plan?"

"Thess izz some great wine," she slurred."Plusss, I can't tell you my plan if I'm deaddd," she pointed out.

Blue couldn't take it anymore, and barked out an order that made the bus stop.

"What's your plan?" he said.

"The plan is for you to shut up," she said, taking tape from her pocket and covering his mouth. Then she taped him to the bus.

"Be a good doggie and stay there," Iris ordered. She picked up the walkie-talkie and said "Everyone good down there?"

"Yes, we're fine," said Amica.

"I will rip that dog limb from limb!" Ripdeath said.

"I'm good, too," said Blue, who had gnawed through the tape covering his mouth. Then the bus began to fall down again.

"You'll die as well!" Iris said.

"I have ways around even this situation," he said,"but you don't."

The bus accelerated, and Iris started to slide down. Soon, she was hovering over the edge. She could see Amica hanging off the back of the bus, only Ripdeath holding her away from death.

Then, just over the horizon, Iris saw what looked double-decker bus.

"What's that?" she wondered. And then she slipped off the edge...

...and onto the top of her ship, which had flown to her aid! Actually, she just forgot to turn the parking brake off, and was very lucky. She quickly scrambled into her ship, and while applying lipstick, maneuvered the ship under the prisoner convoy.

"Get in!' she told the prisoners. "Mind you, it's a little smaller than it looks on the outside!"

As they flew off, Iris thought she heard Blue, who was still on the bus, say "Why couldn't I have at least been defeated by one of the competent ones/"

Well, that's my story. How did you like it? So, will you nice chaps let me go now, and stop asking why I'm carrying criminals on my bus?


End file.
